Dealing with relatives-101, please?

I've roamed this planet for almost 22 years now. Much learning has happened in the process. But if there's one thing I have absolutely no expertise over, it would have to involve dealing with members of human-kind who I happen to be related to. I admit in public today, I have issues with a majority(not all, of course) of my relatives and would love for a course that can teach me how to peacefully coexist with them.

Please note: according to Merin's dictionary,

Set(relatives) = Set(people you are required to meet oh-so-often because your ancestors and their ancestors got naughty) minus Set(cousins who are full of awesome)

I can list several reasons and examples why my relatives and I are like the Venus Flytrap and a tiny insect, but I'll keep this rant very short. One, they talk too much. I know, I know - I'm not exactly the quiet type ; my life's not just any open book, it's like that history text book that was thrust into your face ever so often. But you'll have to agree with me when I say relatives go overboard while talking about their daughter's friend's neighbour who got divorced because the husband couldn't cook well. And our subtle, yet repetitive signals of disinterest fall on consciously ignorant eyes! 

It's worse when they are under the extremely unfortunate misconception that they know it all. We've all been through the "Ohh, you've gotten shorter! And..you've gotten wider" phases. Ok, I have. But I figured this mocking would come to an end once you were labelled an adult. Nope, I couldn't have been more wrong. Sample this. I met an aunt, not very long back, who asked me what I had decided for my future. I shrugged telling her I wasn't too sure. WHAM! That was the biggest scowl I ever saw. And then she went on, in endearing Coorgi, "You could not get a job? Your parents said your college was great?"

Me: "Well, I did aunty. This company called JP Morgan."

Her: "Oh."   "Is it good?"

Me: "Uh yes, aunty. It's a very good company, in fact."

Her: (draws a deep breath and..) "Don't worry, it's ok. Initially everyone starts off with a small job only. Small company and all doesn't matter, just try and get into some popular company in a few years."

As I stared back, half in annoyance and half in shock, she added,

"Only then you will find a good match no. Otherwise who will marry you?"

Immense.rage.  

Speaking of marriage, have you noticed how utterly shameful it is to not have kids exactly 9 months after marriage? I have a cousin who's been happily married for three years now. At every function she attends, there are these old/bored men and women who walk up to her and cradle an invisible baby in their hands and then ask, very animatedly, "Where?". She, being the excellent person that she is, manages to smile and wittily change the course of conversation. But having recently attended a string of functions with her and watching this activity happen repeatedly, I know I won't make it past one function without wanting to chokeslam somebody. Hence, (in an act to combat boredom and) to prepare for the inevitable future, I'm preparing a small list which I will present to my relatives, when they make babies out of polluted air in my presence.

Yes, here's - Why I will not have or take my own time to have a kid:

1. Genes. As whacked-out as I might be, I realise it would be horribly cruel to pass on this height to another human being.

2. I am pretty confident I will lay down absolutely no rules to the kid. If this catapults into the kid wanting to spend the rest of his/her life smoking weed, I wouldn't want to face my parents' wrath in my after-life. 

3. Passing on the same set of relatives? The kid might want to sue me for emotional damage.

4. Very simply, I have faced enough facepalms in my life already. I'm not creating more avenues or opportunities to mess up.  

5. If at all the kid came into existence, he or she would have to attend every fancy-dress/dance competition dressed like Bowie. Preferably,   

( Now Bowie's awesomeness probably reverses my entire argument, but let's remember that the kid might not be very amused. )

That should do, yeah? If this isn't enough to have my relatives label me weird and keep their windmill of gossip away ; if this isn't enough to keep my relatives from meddling with my choices for all eternity, I don't know what is. If this isn't enough, I'm going to look for and pay for classes. 

God knows I need them.